Don't Dare To Believe
by KellerTur
Summary: Remus won't admit it to Sirius, or Tonks, or himself. But you can't shield your feelings forever. Short passages of Remus and Tonks through their lives in the Order and together. All from Remus's perspective. Canon (from memory).
1. Kitchen Sarcasm

"I don't think much to your sense of interior design," said Remus slyly, eyeing up the grim kitchen around him.

"Moony, you forget, I've been round yours and you have no grounds for snide comments," chimed Sirius, without turning to him. He was rushing around the dingy room, banging cupboards open, searching the back crevices for forgotten corkscrews, candles and scraps of blank parchment.

"Well, I'm just saying, I can see why you never invit-"

"Believe me, this squalid place of my forebearers is a lot more inviting now they're all dead," Sirius snapped, dumping all his useful finds on the scrubbed wooden table. "Now stop being a condescending prat and help me get the goblets out."

"Sorry old friend, I meant no offense. Well," paused Remus, pulling his wand out and smirking slightly, "I did, but I didn't know how attached you were this piece of your beloved past."

"Unemployment seems to have enriched your sense of sarcasm Remus!" exclaimed Sirius, his voice muffled from inside the pantry, where he appeared with a number of aged bottles of indiscernible alcohols. "I hope these will be alright, I think they were made about a century ago."

"I'm surprised the adosescent you managed to leave some of it untouched for so long," muttered Remus, mostly to himself. "How many are attending tonight? How many goblets?"

With his face screwed in concentration, Remus could see Sirius doing the mental maths. "At least ten, I think a few of the newcomers are coming for the first time."

"Oh really?" asked Remus over his shoulder, summoning a jumble of glass and brass cups out of the dresser. "Newcomers? I thought I'd met most of the revised Order at mine last month."

"Well Kingsley says he's managed to recruit a very _special_ Auror from his department, so we'll have some new blood in tonight." Said Sirius, before adding "I might ask Kreacher to sample a few of these bottles, see if they're still fit for human consum-"

"Sirius!" cried Remus in alarm at this serious misuse of power, letting a single glass to slip from his enchantment. He had to scoop low to catch it, and Sirius howled with laughter.

"Only kidding Moony, Would I really waste a good drink on that excuse of a creature!" Cackled Sirius, arranging the table with candlesticks. Remus brought the glasses over and Sirius poured a generous amount into a handsome silver goblet. "I'll just give it a quick sample shall I, before they arrive?"

"I dare say you will," whispered Remus, as Sirius threw his drink back and grimaced, "So we have a new auror among us? Well, I hope he will-"

" _She_ , you mean," added Sirius, eyeing his best friend, "And I must say, she comes from a very-"

But what she did come from was not known to Remus, because at that very minute, the heavy front door above them gave a rumble, and footsteps had descended into the hall. Replacing his drink to the table, Sirius beckoned Remus up the staircase to meet their guests.


	2. Abashed Meetings

The shrouded hallway was a buzz of movement, albeit a very hushed and whispered affair. As the guests came down the hall, their faces were illuminated in the orangey hue the wall lamps and all showed a certain amount of trepidation. Arthus Weasley was leading the way, and his eyes landed on Sirius and Remus stood at the end of the corridor.

"Ah, there you are! For a moment I thought we'd wandered into the wrong house," smiled Arthur, trying to keep his apprehension from seeping into the sentence. "All Dumbledore told me was the address, and to keep our sound to a minimum."

"Yes unfortunately this _is_ the right house," smiled Sirius, failing to keep the bitterness out of his, "I think we're holding the meeting down here, it's by far the most hospitable room here."

Many friendly faces past, eager to escape the creepiness of the hallway. Remus personally didn't think many of them would be that impressed by the warmness of the kitchen. A few more than ten would be here for the meeting he thought, and Remus was looking to follow Sirius back down to lay out more glasses and parchment, when there was an almighty bang and a eye-watering pain in his foot. The hallway awoke with noise immediately, and the curtains behind him flew open along with a jumble of screams and insults.

Jumping back, he saw a large troll foot holding an assortment of walking sticks and umbrellas had landed painfully on his shoe, but that was not all. Splayed out on the soiled carpet was a witch so bright she positively shone in the tarnished hallway. Bending down, Remus grabbed the hand of the young witch, and she looked up at him. Her violently pink hair clashed with her reddening cheeks, as she struggled to her feet.

"Sorry! I couldn't see it in the dark!" she squeaked, clinging to Remus's hand as she righted herself. Kingsley had rushed past to draw the curtains on the screaching portrait behind them, although the shouts of "Mudbloods, traitors and filth!" still reverberated throught the hall.

"It's fine, could happen to anyone!" Remus smiled, as the pain stabbed in his foot and he tried to remain as cordial as possible. The young witch was pulling herself up, and looked deeply flustered at her first appearance for the Order. As she stood, Remus could tell she was much younger than him, and had a look of innocence he had possibly never had.

"No it couldn't, it will only ever be me," she sighed, embarrassed. Remus let go of her hand hastily, sharing in her abashment. He cleared his throat, and indicated down the stairway to where to meeting would begin soon. As intriguing as his first encounter had been with the ill-footed new member, he was very aware of her following him down the badly-lit staircase. He kept glancing back and held his lit wand to light way, avoiding any more accidents.

As the entered the candlelit kitchen, Remus could look at the pink-haired witch more closely. Yes, she was very young indeed. She had her ears pierced a few times, chipped nail polish and looked like she would be better suited in a trendy bar somewhere. Remus felt the familiar pang of age wash over him, averting his eyes from her youthful glow.

Sirius locked eyes with the colourful arrival from across the kitchen, and came striding over with a handsome smile that Remus hadn't seen for a while. He stopped short of her, looking her up and down.

"Nymphadora Tonks, as I live and breathe," he said, taking her hand in his and kissing it. Remus looked away annoyed, feeling something akin to faint jealousy. He always was good at introductions, he thought bitterly. Why couldn't _I_ have done that?

"Ah yes," smiled the witch, curstying slightly, before adding "You do look a lot different from your Wanted posters now, dear Sirius."

Sirius gave a little bow, and Remus chuckled slightly, Finally, here was someone who could handle his best friend he thought, besides himself. Relief was mingled in there somewhere too, for some unknown reason. Sirius turned and looked to Remus, "Have you two already met? Remus, this is the finest descendent of the House of Black, besides yours truly. My cousin Andromeda daughter, Nymp-"

"Actually Sirius, just Tonks," interrupted Tonks, who looked flustered at the sound of her full name. She turned on the spot to face Remus, and said, slightly blushing again, "Yes, we have sort of met already." He was taken aback, she had quite brilliant eyes he thought. He stuttered out what he thought was a well-rounded answer.

"Yes, Tonks here managed to nearly break every bone in my right foot, so I'd say we're very well introduced, wouldn't you?"

Sirius let out a roar of laughter, while Tonks looked amusingly affronted, and said "I bet you have had worse," as she playfully hit Remus on the arm. His heart performed an unusual swoop in his chest. He ignored it.

Sirius turned away to greet Mundungus, who had just clambered down the stairs looking lost and slightly inebriated. Remus smiled at Tonks, and said "So am I right in guessing you are the highly-anticipated Auror we've been awaiting?"

"Well I don't know about highly-anticipated, you may be slightly disappointed in that," she grinned, holding her hand out to Remus as a formal introduction. For a split second, Remus hesitated, and thought to Sirius's fanciful performance, before Tonks caught his eye, and he settled for a harmless old-fashioned handshake. She smiled, looking down.

"I'm glad you settled for that Remus, I think we're past pleasantries now."

"Yes, I think so too."


	3. Fireside Battles

It was a frigid November evening, the roots of Autumn now deep throughout the drafty house. Although the fires were roaring in their grates, there was still a certain chill about that seemed to nip at their fingers and toes. Their meeting had ended some hours ago, and Remus, who was staying for the night at Grimmauld Place, felt particularly down in its aftermath. He had been assigned on several assignments for the coming weeks. But the strange lingering thought in Remus's mind, wasn't fear or trepidation for his duties, but more the resigned disappointment he was so used to in his youth. These were lone wolf missions, as Remus bitterly thought, to be undertaken without the laughter or warmness he had grown accustomed to of late. Solitude wasn't to be feared, but instead the loneliness stemming from the exclusion of his recent partner. Staring into the depths of the fire and feeling the glow on his jaded face, he pulled himself out his pitiful musings. He was a member of the Order, and that was the purpose of everything now. Not allowing himself to be swept up in such follies as emotions, he tried desperately to think of something else; anything else.

"So, what do you think?" Asked Sirius, taking a swig from his bottle, breaking the silence.

Remus looked up, across the living room, to his best friend sat across from him on the sofa. He had quite forgotten they were in the same room, his thoughts had mysteriously floated off into the unknown. They had been sat there, he remembered, discussing the meeting, the plan, Harry. But Sirius's devious grin gave the idea that their sincere dissection of the meeting was diverting into something very different.

"What do I think about what?" He replied, eyes narrowed in confusion. Sirius looked somewhat smug in the light of the fire, and Remus couln't see where he was going with this line of questioning.

Sirius retorted, with a dramatic role of the eyes, "What do you think of Tonks?"

Remus could feel his face burning, and it had nothing to do with the roaring fire next to him. For one frightening moment, Remus was afraid that Sirius had taken up Legilimency, had seen the ferocious debate occurring in his head. He dropped his gaze, trying to seem casual, and focusing on the bubbles in his goblet.

"Well, she's very enthusiastic about the Order, I'll give her that." He replied slowly, formulating his answer. "Alastair and Kingsley think most highly of her, and the pressure doesn't seem to-"

"You know that's not what I mean," smirked Sirius, eyeing his friend knowingly. "I mean, what do you think of _her_?"

Remus didn't drop his gaze now, but panic spread across him. If Sirius had sensed the tension between himself and Tonks, who else had? Molly had definitely been glancing at their end of the table more regularly than usual during the meeting. It was only little things, like how she'd dropped his cutlery while passing it to him, yet he was the one who said sorry. How their arms had brushed awkwardly over note-taking, yet neither had really acknowledged it. Apart from Sirius, it now occurred to Remus. Doing some very fast thinking, he managed out an answer.

"She's nice. She's very polite. Always seems happy. So yeah, overall a nice young lady," he said. It sounded much better in his head. Sirius wasn't fooled either by this very bad response.

"Oh Remus, Remus, Remus. Stop playing the fool, it doesn't suit you," Sirius laughed, shaking the hair out of his face.

Remus's face gave out a quizzing look, but inside he knew he couldn't fool Sirius. His best friend always got the truth out of him in the end. It was futile really, but seeing as Remus wasn't admitting any of his feelings himself, he certainly wasn't going to admit to them publicly now. He was still adamant there were no feelings _to_ be felt despite his heart saying otherwise.

After a few seconds, Sirius frowned and said "a nice young lady? What are you, a pensioner?"

"Why, what should I have said then?" replied Remus defensively. He hated being made to feel older than he was. He shifted uncomfortably, took a drink from his goblet and realised his hands were uneasily sweaty.

Counting them off on his fingers, Sirius suggested "She's beautiful? She's hilarious? She's got the best ti-"

Remus inhaled a gulp of beer at the last suggestion, and while it was coming out of his nose, his watery eyes looked up at his best friend. "Sirius!" he choked, "She's your family, for god's sake!"

"Any of those would've been more convincing than she's a nice young lady. If you're going to lie, at least make it realistic."

Wiping the fizzy liquid from his face, Remus looked intently at Sirius. "Are you serious? Can you imagine me saying something along those lines?" he asked sarcastically. He might not be a pensioner he thought, but he definitely wasn't as brash as that.

With one considerate look, Sirius replied "Probably not. But it did work with a girl at school one time," he laughed, raising his eyebrows to Remus. "Can't remember her name now, but one minute she was the girl in the year above me, next minute she was the girl below-"

"Yes alright, no need to go into any details," replied Remus hastily, cutting Sirius off once more. He'd heard enough of Sirius's teenage escapades that he remembered them better than his own, which in honesty, were lacking.

Sirius was still snickering, and took another heroic swig from his beer. After a few seconds, his face straightened slightly and asked again "So really, what you think of her? Is there something happen between you two that I should know about?"

"What makes you say that?" asked Remus trying to make it sound as guiltless as possible. It wasn't like Sirius at all to use his intuition, and after all, Remus was absolutely certain that he'd given nothing away, because there was nothing to give away.

"I don't know really," shrugged Sirius, looking slightly unsure of himself now, "Just little things I guess. Like you always look a right side happier when she's at the meetings, and she looked gutted when she found out you wouldn't be partnered with you again."

"She looked gutted?" asked Remus astonished. He had completely missed this, he was too absorbed in his own bitter disappointment. What does this mean, if anything? His eagerness had slipped him up however, and Sirius's face lit up and pointed an accusatory finger at Remus.

"I knew it! Something's happening isn't it, you sly old dog!" cried Sirius, full of elation that his inkling was correct.

"Of course nothing's happening, you-"

"Then why did you face light up like a bloody Christmas tree when I said she looked gutted?" Sirius laughed, ogling Remus.

"My face didn't light up, I was just interested that she was disappointed, we've grown to be- I mean, we've become good friends recently, that's all," mumbled Remus, his face truly on fire now.

In his momentary hesitation, Sirius seemed to have come to his own conclusions. He was wearing a crown of superiority now, having got one over his best friend. No matter no much Remus protested from this point, he knew the battle was lost. But the one in his head was still raging. She was disappointed, even upset, that were no longer partners? What did this mean? What did she think to their, as Remus phrased it, _friendship_? Would she miss it? Was it the camaraderie, the inside jokes, the fun? Or was it the times he warmed up her hands in his? Or when he brought along some of her favourite muggle sweets? But most importantly, would she ever give a second thought to any of these memories had Remus had come to profoundly treasure?

He could feel Sirius's eyes on him, as he stood to go to bed, where no doubt he would deliberate on these irksome thoughts against his will for many more hours to come.

"Well, it's getting quite late, I think I'm going to call it a night anyway. I'll see you in the morning." He mumbled, catching Sirius's eye. Sirius was still looking as pompous as ever. Remus turned, frustrated, and made for the door. Sirius called out playfully as he reached it.

"I reckon you should put on your best cardigan and go for it mate."

"Piss off Padfoot."


End file.
